Quick Review – Shark Night

Posted in Uncategorized by - September 13, 2011

What would happen if you tried to cross the creeping dread of ‘Jaws’ with the sadism and shock of torture porn movies like ‘Saw’? Would you get a boffo new genre (monster porn?) that brings this movie-pirating generation of teens streaming back into theaters?

Not if you are the director of this glossy turd. What this director managed to create is a film that combines the unpleasant aftertaste of torture porn with the ludicrous plotting necessary to get run-of-the-mill animals to hunt down a specific gaggle of stupid teenagers. It’s a worst of both worlds scenario.

I’m going to spoil the crap out of this now, because I don’t want you to think you need to see it. If you simply cannot be dissuaded, get off here.

Here’s the pitch: a bunch of college kids spend the weekend at someone’s lake house. Inexplicably, our at-risk-youths are set upon by a shark. Or sharks. Lake sharks are exceedingly rare, but we’re informed that it’s a saltwater lake. As their numbers dwindle, the plucky youngsters begin to suspect foul play. Sure enough, they kill a hammerhead and find a videocamera attached to its back. Someone has stocked this lake with sharks, and wants to film them doing their sharky business. It turns out the icky locals (jilted ex, drunken sheriff and token Deliverance extra) are attempting to corner the market on shark-based snuff films.

Kind of a ‘worse-movie inside a bad-movie’ kind of deal.

In the end, a lot of coeds and a few sharks get dispatched in inconsiderate but not especially gripping ways, the traumatized girl gets her revenge and the sincere but awkward guy finds his first love. None of this is earned or interesting.

On the plus side, the Black guy doesn’t die first. He gets injured first, but he dies second. His latina girlfriend dies first. The Black guy has to live long enough to kill a shark in knee-deep water with a spear. Srsly. A spear. I don’t even know where he got that thing.

Confidential to Donal Logue: we gotta get you better representation. Catherine McPhee might need this garbage, but you’re the ‘Tao of Steve’ guy. A little dignity, please.

This post was written by MisterDee

1 Comment

  • CraftySquirrel

    Really? They’re going after the Latina girlfriend now??? Balls!…

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