I think I went into this remake with reasonably modest expectations. The Conan books are silly, ponderous, and far too concerned with rippling and sinews. The first movie was all these things, but somehow wildly entertaining. Entertaining to my 12-year-old self, at least. Arnold’s cartoon charisma, his impenetrable accent, and the overqualified supporting cast improved upon the source material, but it was still comfortably in the guilty pleasure B movie category.

This reboot is far less successful. It’s essentially a weaker cast in a weaker film. The only new element is a thick coating of leftover CG effects from ‘300’,and that’s not enough to merit the remake. Pass.