Look, I love hearing actors prattle about their craft as much as the next man. I love seeing them try to act humble and surprised when they win, and magnanimous when they don’t. Showbiz awards shows are, in many ways, right up my alley. But this year, I am troubled. This year, I believe we have a national crisis to face. This year must be the year we stop shooting really old people in HD.
HD is great for nature shows. The higher resolution can be great for movie special effects, and for sporting events. What it isn’t great for, however, is human faces over 22 years old.
This year the Screen Actors Guild honored Ernest Borgnine with some kind of lifetime achievement award. I’ve never found what he does on screen particularly noteworthy, but it can’t be denied that he’s been doing it for a ridiculously long time. Seven decades, in fact.
They also gave an award to the recently ubiquitous Betty White. Betty has been adorable (and old) on my television ever since I can remember. They also let Donald Sutherland present something or other, and he was really great in that Korean war movie and that Kate Bush video, so bully for him.
The problem is that Ernie has begun to fold in upon himself and Keifer’s dad has clearly become the Lorax. It cannot be helped. They are old men, and better preserved than most. Age is cruel enough to all of us. The indignity of having to share the vicissitudes of age with the public in brutally unyielding detail is something we ought to spare these people.
I guess what I’m proposing is an opt-in program to get softer lenses for people over 40. I know you spent a lot on your HDTV setup, and you want your programming to be sharp and color-saturated, but surely you can agree that Ernie Borgnine’s attempt at hipster glasses ought to be grandfathered out of 1080p.
The rest of your picture will remain modern and pitiless, I assure you. As the picture I’ve included of some guy and Rosario Dawson, the youngsters don’t need our charity.
I’ve included a before and after shot of Borgnine to give you an idea of the effect I’m looking for. Let me know what you think.
