For some reason, everyone in this stupid movie has a British accent except the lead, who does nothing here to disguise his Aussie twang. Now, it’s a ridiculous cliche that American films use a faux-posh English accent as shorthand for all ancient people. It’s a dumb conceit – if the cast has to do accents, why not pick accents from the part of the world the movie is set in? Alternatively, you could do away with accents and let the actors speak naturally. But the sheer laziness of letting the lead actor use a different accent than everyone else in the film is an insult to the audience – especially since we know that Sam Worthington is capable of doing accents when he’s asked to. It’s very similar to the debacle of the midwestern drawl Costner inexplicably gave his Robin Hood, and I confess to being very distracted by it.

I have a soft spot for the 80s version of Clash of the Titans. When I was in junior high, Clash was on extremely heavy rotation on premium cable. I probably saw it a dozen times. The movie was cheesy, and Harry Hamlin was a strange choice for leading man, but Ray Harryhausen saved the movie for me with his lovingly crafted stop-motion animation. I’ve loved Harryhausen’s work since the first time I saw The Golden Voyage of Sinbad. There is something exciting and immediate in the handmade quality of his creatures that is still out of reach of most CG.

This new version has all the flaws of the original, and it lacks Harryhausen. Like the 80s version, the leading actor is wooden and forgettable. It’s kind of remarkable that Sam Worthington has been given the lead in so many big movies – he isn’t charismatic in any meaningful way and I promise you’ll forget him before you’re all the way out of your seat. The structure of the film is essentialy the same as a side-scrolling video game, with the Kraken as the final boss. There is no tension, no risk, and not a moment of doubt about the movie’s outcome. The CG is pervasive, but uninspired.

I’d recommend watching the old one. It was Harryhausen’s swan song (he retired in 1981 after Clash wrapped) and the weird magic of his monsters still holds some rustic charm. This new version is charmless, and not worth your time.